“Kids are like sponges, absorbing everything they hear.”
It is common for children to pick up on a great deal more than adults are aware of. Not only do they take in what we say to them directly, but they also take in what we say around them, even when we doubt that they are paying attention to what we are saying.
That got us wondering: Are there certain topics that just shouldn’t be discussed with or in front of kids? And on the flip side, are there certain conversations adults assume are not appropriate for young minds but are actually OK — or even beneficial — to address?
We reached out to parenting experts to get their take. As clinical psychologist Laura Markham, author of the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids series, said, it’s generally less about the subject itself and more about how you approach it.
For instance, you would not have a conversation with your child about your concerns over your finances because this would cause them to feel anxious. According to what she shared with HuffPost, “But you could certainly discuss the fact that a new car or a vacation that incurs high costs is not within your budget this year.”
When it comes to speaking with children of school age or younger, Markham and other therapists provide their ideas on what they consider to be appropriate and inappropriate behaviors.
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1. People’s bodies
When adults speak poorly about their own bodies or other people’s bodies, children notice and may internalize those negative messages, said marriage and family therapist Brianne Billups Hughes.
“Kids are like sponges, absorbing everything they hear. If they witness adults being critical of themselves, it can lead to issues with self-esteem and body image as they grow,” she told HuffPost.
Additionally, it is not simply the negative remarks that may be detrimental over the course of time. According to Markham, when adults make frequent comments on body form or weight, even if such comments are favorable in character, it can cause children to become “overly concerned about their own appearance.”
2. Critical remarks about a parent or caregiver
It is in the best interest of adults to refrain from speaking negatively about the child’s other parents or caregivers in their lives. It makes no difference whether you are having the chat with the child directly or whether you are communicating with them when they are within hearing.
According to Markham, when a kid hears bad comments about a parent, it might make them feel as if they have to take a side or that they are responsible for mending the problem. This can be detrimental to the child’s feeling of security.
She went on to say that it can also “strain the relationship with the criticized parent because they now see them as ‘not good enough,'” while simultaneously making the youngster feel guilty for thinking of their parent in a poor way.
3. Comments that compare the child to their sibling
Parents are strongly encouraged by Markham to refrain from making comments that compare one sibling to another. She stated that comparisons of this nature might lead to greater tension between siblings and can also promote competitiveness between them.
The fact that we are able to perceive how it contributes to feelings of anger, envy, and insecurity makes it intuitively make sense to us. On the other hand, this is also true for positive messages, which likewise serve to generate competitiveness,” Markham stated.
Taking your child as an example, you may tell them something along the lines of, “You are my nice boy. Unlike your brother, you never give me a hard time. I really appreciate that.
Now, not only does your child feel pressure to maintain his position as the “good” one, but he is also “motivated to keep his sibling in the role of ‘bad’ kid,” according to Markham. In what other way will he continue to hold the unique position that you hold for him?
4. Adult money issues
An explanation was provided by Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist and parent coach who works with A New Day Pediatric Psychology. She stated that children do not yet possess the cognitive abilities necessary to properly comprehend adult financial matters.
Therefore, when toddlers overhear talks about the difficulties in adults’ life that are tied to money, they make their own inferences, “often assuming the worst,” she told HuffPost.
According to Lockhart, “Children may think, for example, that the family will lose their home or that they won’t be able to buy food, even if the situation is not that extreme.” It is possible for children to have such thoughts. “This fear can lead to increased anxiety, and for some children, a sense of guilt that they are a ‘burden’ if they need things like new shoes or supplies,” the author writes.
In the event that your financial status has altered, this does not mean that you are required to fully conceal the information from them. Ensure that your explanations are clear and succinct, and that your tone remains calm. “We’re sticking to a budget so that we can make good choices,” Lockhart advised stating in the event that money is tight. She stated that this statement is “often more reassuring” than other similar statements.
“You can help them understand that adults have systems to manage expenses and that their needs will be met,” she added.
5. Comments that glorify alcohol or drug use
Hughes warned that conversations “normalizing or glorifying” drinking alcohol and using drugs when kids are around can lead to “unhealthy attitudes toward these substances” down the line.
“Kids are impressionable, and hearing adults speak positively about drinking or using drugs, even jokingly, can set the foundation for curiosity or risky behaviors later in life,” she explained. “It’s important to model responsible behavior and avoid making these substances seem glamorous or harmless.”
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