The medical field in 2021 hasn’t been very cheerful, but doctors have a great sense of humor. They use jokes to make people feel better because hospitals can be stressful. Even though dealing with doctors isn’t always fun, their jokes can brighten your day!
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1- Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?” Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
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- Patient: “Doctor, I getheartburnevery time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
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- Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Colin who? Colin the doctor… I’m sick!
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A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor. So, the boy brought his teacher an apple every day.
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Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.” -
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- Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m going to die in 59 seconds!”
Doctor: “Hang on, I’ll be there in a minute.”
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”
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What did the man say to thex-ray technician after swallowing some money?
“Are you seeing any change in me?”
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Patient: “Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.”
Doctor: “Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.” -
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I told the doctor I didn’t want brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
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Doctors ask you where it hurts, but then put pressure on it.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?” Patient: “Since I was apuppy.”
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He wasn’t peeling well.
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A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh no, honey. What happened?”
“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.” -
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I played hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.
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A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.
“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.
“10…” says the doctor.
“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.
“10…9…8…7…” -
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Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
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Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.
Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
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A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!" -
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Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.”
Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?”
Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.” -
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Secretary: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.” -
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A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, “Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.” “But, I don’t have the fingers!” “Why didn’t you bring the fingers?!” asks the incredulous doctor. “Doc, I couldn’t pick them up.” -
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Patient: “Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?”
Doctor: “Use a pencil until I come see him.”
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!”
Doctor: “Try to block out the pain.”
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Patient: “Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000. I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
Doctor: “OK, then you have six months to live.” -
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The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.” The patient said, “Give me the good news first.” “They’re going to name the disease after you.”
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Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?”
Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”5 -
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When I told the doctor about myloss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
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Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
He kept feeling jumpy.
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